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Scary Halloween Reprise – The Evil of the Candy

14 Oct

Back by popular demand, and in honor of the upcoming mini-sized chocolate orgy …

Click on the audio file –> The Evil of the Candy

Wait for the audio to load, scroll down to see the words, and sing along with me….if you dare….

The Evil of the Candy

The Evil of the Candy [to the tune of “Thriller”]

It’s close to midnight and bratty kids have finished trick or treat
Under the Reeses, you see a sight makes you skip a beat
You try to sleep, but chocolate fills your senses and you want it
You start to drool as Smarties look you right between the eyes
You’re supersized

You know it’s candy, candy night
And no one’s gonna save you from the craving that will strike
Candy, candy night
You’re fighting for your waistline but you’re randy for candy, tonight

You hear the fridge slam and realize that your husband’s under foot
He’s got a turkey sandwich but the candy looks too good
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination, girl!
But all the while you know Thanksgiving’s creeping round the bend
It never ends

‘Cause this is candy, candy night
You haven’t got a chance against the thing with forty calories
Candy, candy night
You’re fighting to avoid another handy, candy tonight

Twizzlers are calling, if you’re in the dark then it might not count
There’s always jogging tomorrow, but with achy joints?
This is the end of your points

They’re out to get you, tomorrow all this junk will be on sale
They will possess you, you’ll never change that number on your scale
Now is the time to slowly back away and have a carrot
But all the while, you’ll play that sweet refrain upon your brain,
Hope you don’t gain

Because it’s candy, candy night
And this can set you back more than cake, cookie or pie
Candy, Candy night
Better hold on tight and have a handy, dandy, piece of candy here tonight

Candy, candy night
And this can set you back more than cake, cookie or pie
Candy, Candy night
So better hold on tight and have a handy, candy ow!


Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
Fatties slink in search of food
To have their secret interlude

And whosoever shall be found
Shoveling those morsels down
Must stand and face the scale of doom
When e’er they enter Weight Watchers room

 [Freestyle fatties interlude sung here]

The chocolate smell is in the air
The empty wrappers everywhere
And over there, the mirror looms
You cast a glance and see your doom

And though you fight to stay on plan
Your modus operandi
You poor mere mortal can’t resist
The evil of the candy


Somewhere Over the Rainbow

10 Oct

Wow… long summer –trudged through many months of Weight Watchers. Signed up for a couch to 5K program, though I haven’t gotten to the part where I get off the couch just yet. Last week, just as I had resigned myself to a lifetime very gradual, plateau-ish weight loss, my email in-box lit up with the likes of Dr. Oz and his Green Coffee Extract. What was I thinking, relying on a mere sensible diet and exercise regimen?   The Green Coffee Extract pill is a miracle pill that burns fat without diet and exercise.

The science behind it (there is always the science) involves a chemical compound known as chlorogenic acid, which miraculously boosts your metabolism and inhibits the release of glucose. I would bet my raspberry ketones that this is going to be the golden ticket I’ve been waiting for.This is not your mother’s coffee (Maxwell House), and there is no Grande, Venti, Trente Starbuck’s hoop-dee-doo. You take a pill, you eat diminutive portions, and voila!

I would never have heard of this because it went straight to my spam folder. But my blackberry does not discriminate and serves up everything with equal measure. And because I do check my spam email daily – because there are things in there that I actually need – like the Genie Bra (yes I do wear them)—I discovered that Dr. Oz had been sending me daily notices about his newfound miracle.

So, I Iove Dr. Oz. Who doesn’t? He’s non-threatening, wearing his scrubs on TV, with his healthy-personed skin and his strong jaw. I pretend his first name is “Wizard Of” and not “Mehmet.”

I pretend he was separated at birth from my other secret crush…Spock.

If this miracle pill is good enough for Dr. Oz, what could be the risk? The last over-the-counter miracle I tried was Dexatrim, the 1980s formulation. It gave me the shakes and made my mouth taste like aluminum foil. I had to constantly eat bagels so I wouldn’t taste like a soda can and so that my heart would stop palpitating. Poor Dexatrim was no match for my eating prowess. But this? It’s natural! It’s coffee, my favorite substance of all.

I was all set to invest in this latest solution until I decided to go past the first page of google links and found the dubious headline “Dr. Oz Fights to Get His Face Off ‘Miracle’ Weight-Loss Pill Ads.”

Drats! Damn Google. Damn internet. It’s back to the old grind. The roasted, full-bodied, half-caf grind. Guess I have to get off the couch and do the hard work while I’m waiting for the next miracle.

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

Game Over, Time to Dance

12 Jun


At work we have been using “Lean Startup” practices for building new businesses. No kidding. Even at work, I’m haunted by “lean” initiatives. In Lean Startup, you articulate the assumptions you have about your customers and growth opportunities and then devise experiments to test these assumptions. The key principle is that, rather than build a big, honkin’ whose-a-what-sy and then discover no one wants it, you start small, testing each assumption with real customers, and when things don’t go as you assumed, you pivot—you move in a different direction.

So, here’s the moral of the story. The “What’s the Point” game was a big, fat failure. Everyone hated it, except maybe a couple of people who thought it was maybe, kinda cute.   I imagined it would be hysterically funny and wildly popular, and that it would catapult me to fame. Who knew? I might win an award at the annual “Game Developer’s Conference.”  Thank goodness I canceled the billboard ad.

I am going to “pivot” and end the game.  I rather like to think of it as a pirouette instead of a pivot, both because I love to dance and because I love those damn cookies (3 points for 2 of them, for those of you still playing).

And for the one person who had the heart to play last week (who, in full disclosure, is a close relative, a lifetime member, and a math genius), I calculated the door of that mini-bar fridge to be a whopping 54 points:  16 for the hard liquor (4 x 4 points); 12 for the 2 candy bars; 3 for the granola bar; 9 for the peanuts;  and 14 for the 16-ounce bottle of sorry-ass cheap hotel white wine.

Three intrepid souls played the game, and I am awarding all three of you the special prize I was reserving for week 10.  Are you ready for this? You each win a customized, personalized parody song, created by me, for whatever person or occasion you choose. Congratulations!

And for the rest of you, thank you for your honesty, your kindness, and your reading of the blog!

Game over. Let’s all dance!


E Brother is Watching You

8 Jun

The saga of the hotel mini-bar and this week’s “What’s the Point?”

I first encountered the electronic-eye-equipped hotel mini-bar in a hotel in Minneapolis back in 2000. I had just settled into my solo hotel room, exhausted from a convoluted, 10-hour travel excursion, which began with me boarding a propeller plane back in Westchester County, NY, then “changing my mind” after the door was closed and getting off the plane to wait at the airport for a jet.

At first I thought it was a mirage, but no, there was a cute fridge, right there in my private hotel room for my enjoyment, stocked with candy, nuts, sodas, and what-have-you. I decided to allow myself one diet soda and one granola bar. But that didn’t stop me from picking up each and every item and reading the nutrition label, in turn. That’s what I like to do—read labels and compare calorie counts and fat grams. It’s like my lady porn – I’m just looking, not actually eating any of it.

When I checked out of the hotel the next day, I was shocked to see an extra $70 on my bill, with an itemized list of the likes of M&Ms, Pringles, Peanuts, $10,000 bar, and vodka.

“Oh, no.  I did NOT eat and drink that!” I told the desk clerk.  What did he think I was? A pig?

“Did you remove these items from the refrigerator?” he asked, suspiciously.

“Oh….” It dawned on me.  “I was just reading the labels. I looked at everything but I put it all back! I didn’t actually eat any of it. All I had was a Diet Coke and a Healthy Valley Granola Bar. You can even go check my room. It’s all there.”

The desk clerk figured out that it was pathetic, yet true, and he removed all but the two legitimate mini-bar charges. I couldn’t believe that the refrigerator had an actual electronic eye that tracked my movement.  I’m just happy it couldn’t read my mind.

And in that vein, below is the mini- bar door from the Toronto Airport Hilton.  I won’t ask you to guess the price of everything on that door – it’s astronomical – but can you guess the points? What if you ate and everything on that door? What astronomical points value would you consume? Give it a try.  Answer posted on Sunday at 8 AM EST.

Fifty Shades of Weigh

6 Jun

It’s the dirty little secret among women.  There is nothing more painful than stepping on that scale. And yet, when you see a lower number than you thought, it’s so pleasurable. The joy of the slow descent of poundage tickles the senses, awakens your fantasies, and makes you contemplate things you never thought you would consider—like wearing a halter dress.

But it’s oh so unpredictable. One week you’ve had 23 salads, no chocolate, and nary a bite of pizza and you’re up .6 pounds. The next week, you’ve chased a steak dinner with pecan pie and whipped cream and you’re down 2. You begin to wish you could attend your weekly weigh-in dressed in nothing more than panties.  Or blindfolded, so you can’t see your shame.

What shade of weight-crazy are you?  Do you hop from scale to scale to find the “good” one?  Do you secretly hang your foot off the side to lighten up? Do you hold on to a desk, a wall, or a chair to defy gravity? I’m sure you remove all your jewelry and dry your hair. And you remove your eyeglasses, and your keys, and your earrings.  What else? Of course you empty out in the loo. At least twice. Do you wear your thinnest tank top and the barely there slacks?  You’ve managed to pull all the tricks and now what? You are shackled to this weigh-in ritual, week after week after week.

You’re an intelligent, educated, self-respecting human being.  So, why are you chained to the number on the scale?  Get over it. Focus on what matters. Stop flogging yourself. Unless of course you’re into that.

Note: In case you are not aware, Fifty Shades of Grey is a New York Times #1 bestselling erotic novel by E. L. James. Spoiler Alert: The hottest part of the fantasy in the book is this: the heroine is thin and never hungry, and the guy is constantly making her pancakes and eggs and pushing her to eat, eat, eat.  It’s enough to make a gal pant.

“What’s the Point?” – Round 2 Results!

3 Jun


Are you ready for this one?   1/2 cup of unsweetened almond milk is a creamy, satisfying 0 points!

That’s a cup of Kashi Good Friends cereal – 4 points; banana – 0 points (unless you’ve had 3 of them already today, in which case you need to start counting them and/or check yourself into the zoo); tea – 0 points.   So, the grand total is 4 POINTS!!

Thanks for playing!  We have 2 contestants running neck-and-neck.

What’s the Point? Round 2

1 Jun

Okay, I will give a hint for this one – that liquid in the measuring cup is unsweetened almond milk, one of the helpful hints from our friend Pixie (whom some of you may recall from “This Cow Had Quite a Laugh.” )  The box behind the cereal box is Chinese tea, a lovely gift given to us by 2 Chinese high school students who have stayed with us this week and performed with their school choir and orchestra at the high school.

A warning about these high fiber cereals:  ease into them.


Guess the Weight Watchers® PointsPlus®  value of the food in the picture.  Results posted Sunday at 8 AM EST.  The winner after 10 rounds gets an amazing prize.  Get to it!

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