Somewhere Over the Rainbow

10 Oct

Wow… long summer –trudged through many months of Weight Watchers. Signed up for a couch to 5K program, though I haven’t gotten to the part where I get off the couch just yet. Last week, just as I had resigned myself to a lifetime very gradual, plateau-ish weight loss, my email in-box lit up with the likes of Dr. Oz and his Green Coffee Extract. What was I thinking, relying on a mere sensible diet and exercise regimen?   The Green Coffee Extract pill is a miracle pill that burns fat without diet and exercise.

The science behind it (there is always the science) involves a chemical compound known as chlorogenic acid, which miraculously boosts your metabolism and inhibits the release of glucose. I would bet my raspberry ketones that this is going to be the golden ticket I’ve been waiting for.This is not your mother’s coffee (Maxwell House), and there is no Grande, Venti, Trente Starbuck’s hoop-dee-doo. You take a pill, you eat diminutive portions, and voila!

I would never have heard of this because it went straight to my spam folder. But my blackberry does not discriminate and serves up everything with equal measure. And because I do check my spam email daily – because there are things in there that I actually need – like the Genie Bra (yes I do wear them)—I discovered that Dr. Oz had been sending me daily notices about his newfound miracle.

So, I Iove Dr. Oz. Who doesn’t? He’s non-threatening, wearing his scrubs on TV, with his healthy-personed skin and his strong jaw. I pretend his first name is “Wizard Of” and not “Mehmet.”

I pretend he was separated at birth from my other secret crush…Spock.

If this miracle pill is good enough for Dr. Oz, what could be the risk? The last over-the-counter miracle I tried was Dexatrim, the 1980s formulation. It gave me the shakes and made my mouth taste like aluminum foil. I had to constantly eat bagels so I wouldn’t taste like a soda can and so that my heart would stop palpitating. Poor Dexatrim was no match for my eating prowess. But this? It’s natural! It’s coffee, my favorite substance of all.

I was all set to invest in this latest solution until I decided to go past the first page of google links and found the dubious headline “Dr. Oz Fights to Get His Face Off ‘Miracle’ Weight-Loss Pill Ads.”

Drats! Damn Google. Damn internet. It’s back to the old grind. The roasted, full-bodied, half-caf grind. Guess I have to get off the couch and do the hard work while I’m waiting for the next miracle.

Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue

And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.

5 Responses to “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”

  1. Heaven lane October 10, 2012 at 3:59 am #

    You are a prolific writer

  2. Gail October 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

    Another perfect story from my favorite author and funniest woman I know. Hope to see more of your stories!

  3. Lisa Smith Molinari October 10, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    I got all excited there for a minute Ivy…. Ditto on the “Drats!”

  4. Gabi Coatsworth October 10, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

    I remember those Dexatrim tablets. The pulse racing, the fainting feeling, it was almost like being in love…then Dexatrim broke my heart and I had to leave…

  5. Sharon October 20, 2012 at 10:35 pm #

    Well, darn, Ivy. You got my hopes up with that little pill info, then dashed them to the ground. What would we ever do without internet fraud? I tried dexatrim back when and gained 10 lb. Being a person who ate to calm my nerves combined with the nervous reaction from the pill. Voila!!

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